U.S. Santa Supremacy

Santa has had to deal with something new this year: Lobbyists
A common phenomenon in governments around the world, Santa would have to have been foolish to believe that they would never make it to Shanghai (see previous post).
Of course, kids have been lobbying to get on the nice list and add to their Christmas day loot, but as always, actions speak louder than words. When Santa gets letters from little kids, it can be informative, but the entertainment value is much higher.
The kind of lobbyists Santa has encountered lately is government officials from around the world. In the continual struggle for power and dominance, countries have at last resorted to proving supremacy by proving the accuracy of their version of Santa Clause. Some countries are upset at the shift to Christmas as an international issue because they just can't compete. For example, the netherlands has a Santa that lives in Spain most of the year, has 6 to 8 black men to help him (they used to be slaves, now they're just "good friends") and he beats kids if they're bad. David Sedaris effectively proves this theory wrong by pointing out that Santa doesn't know Spanish. Sorry Netherlands, you're out. (for more on the netherlands' santa clause see "6-8 black men" on youtube.)
I'm proud to live in the U.S where Santa Clause flies in a sleigh all over the world in a night and lives with Elves in the North Pole. Call me ethno-centric, but how could you think anything else? Our Lobbyists to Shanghai have it easy.

Christmas Issues

We all know that the north pole has been evacuated due to global warming. As a result, Santa and company have moved to Shanghai. Shanghai may seem a little counter intuitive, but Santa's allergic to penguins, so the south pole wouldn't have worked.
As a result of the worldwide economic decline Santa has decided to partner with Dubai and give the really good kids islands. Not enough islands you say? Thanks to Santa's new Indian Giver Policy, he has begun taking from bad boys and girls so the availability of islands has increased. A recent press release from Shanghai stated that the Indian Giver Policy will help with Obama's redistribution of wealth and will also help the factory be more enviornmentally friendly.
Concerns about lead paint and other harmful substances affecting the factory were also adressed in the press release: "Santa will not be drinking any milk with the cookies left for him in China. Further, the materials used in toy making were never supplied by China, and will not begin to be. Labels on toys saying 'made in China' were merely to test the children's belief." Such tests are also economical since, with less kids believing in him and being naughty, Santa can cut back on production costs. At some point he hopes to be able to cut back to 4 reindeer as a result of lower demand.
One issue still under examination by top executelves in Shanghai is whether or not coal should continue to be given to naughty lads and lassies (not just referring to Scots). Recent accidents in coal mines have made Santa wonder if he really wants to support such an industry as much as he does. Further, coal is heavy (more reindeer miles per Christmas) and its useful for naughty people; thus it could be used as a reward for the naughty and an unnessecary expense for himself. Alternatives being considered are Chinese manufactured toys or Chinese milk.

Exercise

This a request from the Wanamakers:

I've only heard of one or two instances in which my roommate was stumped. One of those times was when he was talking to someone at his work about exercise and his coworker said, "I don't like exercise because it makes me tired and sore." He had a point.
I personally am an advocate of sporadic exercising. I love to be tired and sore because I got kicked with the spur of the moment. My rationalization is psychological. If you only exercise once in a while and you do it without any warning to your body, you don't dread it. It's kind of like the opposite of anticipation for Christmas for your body. Fortunately, in contrast to Christmas, exercise hopefully comes more than once a year. It also helps to be as huge as I am so that you don't feel like you need to exercise, it's just more of a pastime.
The other key to exercise is having good company. Some people have told me that they don't like to exercise with other people. I understand that people get sweaty and scrubby (good adjective) when they exercise but if you're worried about that you're not doing it right. There's two things that overcome such worries: doing some sort of exercise that takes the focus off of each other (most sport activities do that) and choosing someone that loves you beyond your hygiene and with whom you can engage in some conversation that takes your mind off of the torture you're undergoing. The perfect candidate? Man's best friend. That's right, a dog will love you beyond your hygiene and if you can't talk to that good of a listener, then you need to ask yourself who's colloquially handicapped. And don't try to tell me you can't talk because you're breathing too hard; everybody can talk and breath at the same time.

Girl's Shoes

Here's another shot at a request:

Last Sunday at ward prayer, an apartment of girls was being spotlighted. At the end of each blurb about the individual girls, the intoducer would say, "... and if she were a shoe, she would be..."
...?
Is this comparison common among women? I've never considered that someone would purchase a pair of shoes because they have a personal comparison with them.
This is great. This could become a branch of psychology. I always thought that shoes were something you put on your feet to protect your feet from the ground. Silly me. Shoes are an expression of self.
I understand that people have different sides to them, but if someone has hundreds of pairs of shoes, does that mean they're schitzophrenic? Or are you just schitzophrenic if you keep changing your shoes unexpectedly?
I think this concept can help us appreciate people better. Think about good old Mr. Rogers, and the shoes he wore. Apparently he only had two sides to him: outside and inside. If you are not yet convinced of the amazing revelations available through shoe comparisons, just think about the number of people who come home, take their shoes off, and put on another pair of shoes for the house. Nobody does that. This guy is obviously one of a kind.
So, next time you turn to personalities or something ridiculous in order to get to know somebody, stop yourself and examine their shoes.
By the way, if I had to choose a shoe to represent myself and I chose a flip-flop, would that put me in the same boat as John Kerry?

Toaster Ovens

Here's a shot at request #1:

Many of you have probably heard of the Happy Little Toaster Oven. What on earth were those writers thinking? On one hand you have the Pixar people who sit around and come up with creative plots and perspectives, and they turn them into fabulous movies. On the other hand, you have the people who thought of the Happy Little Toaster Oven, who is joined by other household appliances on a grand adventure. Apparently no one told those writers that one key to having an adventure is mobility. The Pixar people obviously understood this concept; Buzz Lightyear could go to infinity and beyond, and I don't even know where infinity is. The biggest adventure any of my appliances have had was when someone put metal in the microwave. Maybe my next project will be to write a movie about that. I can call it The Messed Up Little Microwave and he can be joined by all the other little messed up appliances that can be found in college housing. Tangent: My roommate Jeff told me that at his last apartment they opened the microwave one time and it didn't stop... we're glad he's still with us. Returning from tangent: I just realized that it's not the Happy Little Toaster Oven, it's the Brave Little Toaster. My bad everyone, toasters are much more reasonable protagonists. So, if you're looking for a good flick, you might want to consider what appliance you'll be joining on their wild rides.

Requests

So here's the deal. I had an idea of a new thing for this blog. You comment and pick a topic, and I will make a blog entry about it. That way, you can read about what you want, and I can use the writing/creative practice. Who knows what we'll end up with. So please give me some requests.

Morning Moment

The leaves were on the tail end of the death process. Those that had fallen lie en masse, and as a car brushed by their place of rest, they came to life and chased it like dogs. Something about the morning air said that death holds no wieght -- even in winter. The breath of life seemed to rush into me; breathing was like drinking. I looked to the side, and light shown through the gate to paradise, and the extra color it produced was evidence that rebirth is a daily event.